I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
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Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”