@nihilist_arbys Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
@GrantTanaka Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
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@nihilist_arbys 
@markydoodoo [eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
@MinedOvaMatter A drum solo but on your face.
@Social_Mime Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
@Spaziotwat Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
@Elizasoul80 My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
@HatfieldAnne I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
@TuffyNyC A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
@KatieDeal99 Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
@AntWritesStuff I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?