@GrantTanaka

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

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@nihilist_arbys

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

@markydoodoo

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

@Social_Mime

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

@Spaziotwat

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

@Elizasoul80

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

@HatfieldAnne

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

@TuffyNyC

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

@AntWritesStuff

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?