Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Me as a therapist: omg same
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994