My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
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People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
What my back needs
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
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Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing