*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
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911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!