According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
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Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food