Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
You Might Also Like
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.