Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you