THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
You Might Also Like
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator