ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
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“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2