Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
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I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.