1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?