4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
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I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
john wicks are toilet candles
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw