Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
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what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
same energy
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?