[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
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It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess