Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia