7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
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interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Fluff me with a fork baby
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Weirdly Wednesday.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…