my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
You Might Also Like
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
why would tinder want me to say this
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
FRED: right
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.