[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
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”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
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just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
“No way.” -Jose
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”