[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
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Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
At an art museum and I thought this was art
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.