My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?