My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
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Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Eat…
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.