I’m not average. I’m mean.
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On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there