There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
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“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.