There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
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Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
What’s the point buying it then?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄