me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
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Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Me recordaron éste meme
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I can’t stop watching this.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.