*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
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Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
War & Peace
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?