sir, my pâté if you please
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i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.