Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
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1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
And then there were 4
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.