Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
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Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
You are not alone 💚
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
The Weeknd is back