4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
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50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*