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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.