And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
🙅🏻
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now