gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
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Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.