I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
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Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No