HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
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*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
selena gomez
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
giddy up Office Depot
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My what?