Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
You Might Also Like
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.