Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
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kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”