QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
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I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
My daily affirmation
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Cardio Made Easy
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.