@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
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Midwest trash talk
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?