For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
road rage
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”