supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
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Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.