I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.