Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
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Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.