Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
You Might Also Like
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
knights of the ikea table
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂