I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
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I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.