Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
You Might Also Like
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.