@katy_baybay Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
@JasonNotEvil My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
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@katy_baybay 
@LurkAtHomeMom OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
@GloriaFallon123 Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
@MNateShyamalan wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
@Rollinintheseat Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
@TheAndrewNadeau I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
@UncleDuke1969 HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
@theNuzzy There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
@KalvinMacleod DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
@Boleyngirly Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.