My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
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[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
lmaaaaaooooooooo
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him