@JasonNotEvil

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

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@katy_baybay

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

@LurkAtHomeMom

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

@GloriaFallon123

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

@MNateShyamalan

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

@TheAndrewNadeau

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

@theNuzzy

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

@KalvinMacleod

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

@Boleyngirly

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.