My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
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Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Terribly Tuesday.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.