Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
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Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.