ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
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WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh