Stop making fast and furious movies.
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Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Okey dokey.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
My birth announcement for our third baby
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.