[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
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Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.