*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
The asteroid..
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no