I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
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I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”