Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
You Might Also Like
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Always
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son