Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.